Migraine. I am lost today. So far anyway.

I just took my last prescription migraine pill. I can get ten or twenty critical things done today, or nothing. I don't want it to be nothing. Oww. Please work pill. And fast. Amen.

Near Death Experiences

They change your life. They change who you are. I have obviously experienced this or I wouldn't be bloging about it. Losing a child-ditto. I lost my daughter and nearly my own life when I was pregnant. She would have been my first born. I was blessed with two beatiful boys afterwards, but there will always be a special place in my heart for girls since I didn't get to have mine. I'm ok with it. It just wasn't meant to be and it was a very long time ago. These and others are a big part of what my book is about. It's autobiographical and I'm still writing it.

When you have crossed the veil to the other side and been sent back, your perspective on life changes. This has happened to many people. Yes, I can be overly emotional about emotional things in life. Yes, I do view the little things in life which so much more enthusiasm and wonder because I almost lost my ability to even be here and be able to experience all these things in the first place. I almost didn't get to even raise my boys.

We all just want to fit in. To be liked. To have friends and laugh and feel life is "good." Having these things happen to us, is traumatizing and does leaves emotional scars. I think there are far more of us who struggle in everyday relationships than are willing to admit. Some people never really let anyone in to know how they are truly feeling. My Mom is like that. It's very sad. Many of us have these same struggles without the same or any discernible precursors. We are complicated beings that's for sure. We certainly have all experienced pain, sorrow, feelings of abandonement, discrimination, etc. on different levels in our lives. What better way to feel better than to share and not feel so alone in one's grief? That is most certainly one of the biggest reasons why I decided to write my story and share it with the world. When others can relate and you have those things in common, they feel better and you feel better.

Wow. Being stuck here at home today has made me dive too deeply into the self introspection. Boring!

I am very sick today.

I am very sick today. I don't want to be sick anymore. I have been sick most of my life. Chronic pain can wear a person down. I had such high hopes for today which is my Sunday. I had errands and things I needed to get done. I didn't know until after I woke up this morning that I had unknowingly sabotaged my health again by eating the wrong friggin cracker. I was so hungry after church I ate 4 or five crackers that I thought were safe. I recently found out I have Celiac Disease which means I can't have wheat/gluten. The good news is, my mysterious Edema and heart problems seem to be because of this so my health will be better than ever once I figure this out enough. I have only known for a matter of week. I had three days of clarity after fasting and having basically only healthy meal replacement shakes and fruit. I felt better than I have for 20 years probably. I now know I will be highly productive and energetic again like I was in my 20's due to those three days. That is really exciting because I haven't been able to handle doing much for years now and it's really troubled me. I know I will have a handle on this soon and these days of not being able to cope to do much if anything will be a thing of the past, but today, I am drowning.

This is my first blog

This is my first blog. Yeah me!

The purpose and timing of this blog is to facilitate and document the progress of my upcoming recovery from the illusive illness that has plagued my life these past 20 years. My transition to Spokane from a brief stay in Kingman Arizona and before that, growing up being amidst the painfully slow and sad decaying society in Southern California. It is my purpose here, as it is for many of us, to publicize my messages of trials, observations, and hope to all who share interest in or are actively seeking a new place that could offer the hope of their dreams. Where ever those places may be for each who walk their own path of enlightenment, because we are all each so alike and unique at the same time. All who like me, seek their own truth and desire to be lost from the confusion, fear, and worry of what the future may hold. Of not having the control needed to feel at ease in one's own life.

Currently, in addition to my battle to regain my health even though I have no health insurance because my employer does not offer it, I am faced with the scary and overwhelming task of achieving my life long dream of completing college. I have just been accepted to Gonzaga University in the fall of 2010 to obtain my BA in Fine Art. Something I have only held onto as a hope of the opportunity of a higher education and all the promising possibilities it could bestow on my so modest life. The dream of stepping out of the poverty from whence I was reared and enslaved most of my life would be such an accomplishment for me.

I have done my best to always walk the narrow path of truth and stay in the light. There are so many beautiful stories I have found that have given me inspiration and hope. Like my own story, they are most often everyday ordinary people who have overcome such adversity that others may have given up long before. But we are not created to give up. Although some of us do, and God bless their delicate souls, we are created to seek him out, to sit quietly and be still and sup with our Creator. To be allies with our Savior. To get strength and peace and fortitude from prayer.

To all who have shared their stories and hope and uplifted another, I thank you. For that is the shining example that makes us a great people. A great nation. A great race. Our capacity to love. To help another just because we are able to and we chose it.

Okay. Off my soap box now. Thank you for listening. (she hops down)